Tossed Salad
by Shaetil
Summary: A Strawhat Crackfic. What could possibly cause Sanji to refuse to cook an entire food group? Rated 'M' for swearing and some disturbing, 'kinky' sex. ZoSan (MxM) GuyxGuy.


_This is a CRACK FIC. Proceed at your own risk._

_I do not own any characters, names or intellectual properties associated with One Piece._

**Tossed Salad**

* * *

"This is a most interesting development."

"Don't worry everyone! I'll find a cure for this and have us all back to normal in no time!"

"You better." Nami muttered under her breath as they all watched Chopper run… er, roll below deck.

"Shishishishi! Nami, you look funny as a tomato!"

"SHUT UP!" Nami's vines thwacked Luffy solidly on top of his string-bean head.

Sanji sighed miserably. Of all the devil fruit users in all the blue seas, they had to run into the one that could turn them all into vegetables.

"THAT DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY I'M A DAMN TOMATO!"

"Fufufu, I think red is a good color on you Miss Navigator."

"Robiiiiinnn I'm completely round and HIDEOUS!" Tomato-Nami wailed and sobbed against Eggplant-Robin's shoulder.

"Yohohohoho! I'm no longer only bones!" Ginger-Root-Brook waved his white, fleshy roots, obviously thrilled with this new development.

Yellow-Squash-Sanji was having a hard time not viewing his nakama as delicious salads and stews. Every single one of them was a gorgeous specimen of vegetable-"A TOMATO IS A FRUIT, DAMMIT!"- and even Carrot-Zoro was looking tasty and appealing.

"Yummy!"

"OW! Ohgodno, Luffy don't _eat_ me!" Poor Celery-Usopp shrieked and tried to escape Luffy's stretchy vines by rolling away.

"Zoro! Do something about Luffy!" Nami had recomposed herself after accepting that she was indeed a vegetable-"FRUIT!"-but her skin was still the smoothest and the glossiest.

Carrot-Zoro wiggled his swords around experimentally with the leafy greenery sprouting from his head. Dramatically balancing himself on his pointy root, Carrot-Zoro unleashed an oni giri-carrot stance and succeeded in chopping a good part of the Sunny's railing to splinters. "OOOOW! That's suuuuuuuper not cool bro!" Wax-Imitation-Bell-Pepper-Franky scowled and scolded while Carrot-Zoro stood looking pleased with his new carrot-themed technique.

Once again it was up to a gallant squash to save the day. OH GOD! Squash-Sanji was already forgetting his humanity! His curly stem twitching in distress, Squash-Sanji rescued Celery-Usopp from vegetable cannibal, Green-Bean-Luffy, by stem-kicking an unprepared Carrot-Zoro into Bean-Luffy's path. Familiar violence made him feel a little better. Carrot-Zoro sweat-dropped as a drooling Bean-Luffy stared him down with a manic shine in his eyes. "Shitty squash! I'll cut you for this!"

Bean-Luffy pounced, and the next few moments were utter chaos. Most of the crew members fled the deck, unwilling to be bitten. Celery-Usopp locked himself in the bathroom; wailing about how his proud celery-warrior's nose was now at least two inches shorter. Tomato-Nami and Eggplant-Robin opted to hide in the library, in hopes of finding a book detailing how long this change would last-and to see if there were any beauty tips to keep sensitive outer peels from cracking in the sun. Ginger-Root-Brook and Wax-Bell-Pepper-Franky were having a grand time together in the crow's nest; their touching duet about the seafaring adventures of vegetables blared throughout the broadcast system.

Squash-Sanji locked the galley door and turned, only to see Carrot-Zoro snoring in the middle of the galley table. "Get your shitty orange ass out of my hiding place, damn biennial! Do you plan to sleep until you put out umbels?!"

"Shut your trap shitty squash. It's your fault that evil green-bean wants to eat me; the least you can do is let me hide here!"

Squash-Sanji shuddered as Bean-Luffy's hungry eyes glinted at them through the kitchen porthole window. Squash-Sanji quickly drew the curtain with his curly stem. Being eaten by that food monster was too horrible a fate for even Carrot-Zoro. "Fine. You can stay. Just don't try to burrow yourself into my floor, idiot root!"

There was a brief silence before Carrot-Zoro went back to snoring like a tractor. Squash-Sanji rolled his eyes. He was such a generous curcurbita… PERSON, DAMMIT! Distressed, Squash-Sanji decided to calm his rattled vines by cooking. Preparing the fish and the sauce was fine, but when he went to chop up the vegetables, Squash-Sanji froze in horror. How could he even think of murdering poor, helpless garden plants?! He would never be able to cook a properly balanced dish again!

Squash-Sanji's new-found vegetable sympathies warred with his cook's instincts until the yellow squash broke down and burst into tears. "What's wrong? You woke me up, stupid squash."

"I can't cook anymooooooore!"

Carrot-Zoro eyed the defenseless vegetables on the chopping board with a shudder. "I see what you mean."

In an uncharacteristic move for the standoffish carota, Carrot-Zoro moved close and wrapped his leafy stalks around Squash-Sanji in a comforting gesture. "Don't worry. The others will get us back to normal in no time."

Squash-Sanji shivered as Carrot-Zoro's deep voice resonated deliciously throughout the hollow chambers of his gut. Carrot-Zoro observed the squash's reaction with a smirk. He feathered a few of his leaves down the outer skin of Squash-Sanji's front while rubbing the ridges of his root against the swell of Squash-Sanji's bottom. "GOD! What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

Squash-Sanji moaned and trembled all the way to his curly stalk as Carrot-Zoro executed a hard, slow grind. "You're not cooking and I can't sleep because of your whining; so I figured I'd help us pass the time…"

"GET THE FUCK OFF-Oh!" Carrot-Zoro rubbed him _just right_ and Squash-Sanji was unable to hold back his cries.

After much creative stroking and grinding later, Squash-Sanji and Carrot-Zoro lay side-by-side staring up at the beams in the galley ceiling. "We will not mention this again. EVER." Squash-Sanji's voice was low and threatening.

"Hmmm, I don't know…" Carrot-Zoro stretched his leaves in lazy contentment, "That was the most interesting sexual experience I've ever had. I'll be remembering this for a while."

"You plan to MASTURBATE TO THIS?!" Squash-Sanji's voice rose in horror.

Carrot-Zoro smirked and was about to answer, when a hollow thud at the door interrupted him. "Guys! I found a cure!"

Squash-Sanji scrambled to undo the lock, and Potato-Chopper rolled in. "Er… you're still a potato though."

"It has a delayed reaction!"

Carrot-Zoro gestured with his leaves in a rough semblance of a shrug, "I don't see how this could get any worse. I'll take it."

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Afterwards, everyone suffered from various levels of aversion to plants. Even Luffy suffered some after-effects, and wouldn't go near the lawn on Sunny's deck for a few days. Sanji was the most affected though.

Zoro finally agreed to never mention 'the veggie sex adventure' after being threatened with no sex for the rest of his life, and Sanji threw out all the carrots on board.

Meals were certainly affected. Sanji refused to make salads for a week. They ate fish and bread for everything-including snacks, and they all dutifully swallowed Chopper's special supplements.

No one complained.

Especially not Luffy, who got to eat as much meat as he wanted.

* * *

_I had an unusual conversation with __blinkenlights n spitzensparks that I blame for this fic._


End file.
